Category: Resources

In my years as a licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor, I have worked with thousands of clients. Often at the end of each work day, I often notice a theme emerging across my appointments each day. Despite talking to different people with different problems, a common theme emerges each day. Themes include gratitude, remembering ones value, worthiness, redemption, autonomy, self-compassion, etc. I recognize such themes when I reflect daily. These themes are the counsel I receive from the people I serve.

We all know the importance of self-care to promoting our health and well being. Self-care includes getting enough, regular sleep, exercise, building margin into our lives. Also, balancing work-life, making time for play, nurturing friendships, family-time, good nutrition, medical & behavioral health check-ups, etc. In fact, we cannot care for others better than we care for ourselves. However, a common theme or pattern I observe is that when facing stress most of us neglect our self-care. I often hear, “I don’t have time to exercise, eat well, connect with friends.”

Another common theme I observe is the belief that our value and worthiness of love and belonging are contingent on what we have, produce, how we look, others’ opinions, etc. This pattern of holding our worth or worthiness hostage to impossible, changing expectations increases our suffering. I believe that we all have infinite, incorruptible value now as we are, with all our strengths and struggles. Also, that we are all worthy of extravagant love and belonging now, as we are. Imaging how our lives and world would improve if we all believed this.

Our experiences and choices do not define us, they’re not life sentences, only experiences. Some of my clients make harsh condemning statements about themselves. For example, “I’m a lousy friend,” or “I’m a terrible parent.” We also tend to define others by a single interaction. Such as, “He thinks I’m an idiot.”

However actions and decisions begin and end like a movie. We make a choice using the information we have at the time we decide, then we go on. We can learn from whatever follows a particular experience or choice. We have the power to make a different choice the very next moment. Even if we made unhealthy or harmful choices for a long time, we can learn and practice healthier, safer choices.

We should strive to savor each moment of our lives, whether pleasant or painful. Moments add up to a life and each one is a precious gift. Each of us has a unique, and precious perspective that no one else shares. We are each interested in, focus on and remember different parts of things we experience with one another. When we take time to understand one another with compassionate curiosity, our relationships deepen and we enrich our experiences.

We should enjoy one another’s unique, precious, authentic selves. Do what makes us truly come alive. That is what our world needs: more people doing what makes us come alive. Being authentic means that you act in ways that show your true self and how you feel. Rather than trying to say what you imagine others want to hear, express your whole self genuinely. That means to succeed in being authentic, you first have to know your true self.

Being authentic means being courageous and vulnerable. Authenticity is difficult, but worth it. The alternative is looking back on our life with regret, or thinking, “What if I did, or said . . . ?”

Whether learning a new behavior, or ceasing an unhealthy habit, behavior change is difficult. There is a saying in martial arts, “The master has failed more than the novice has tried.” This saying captures the difficulty of changing behavior. In fact, most of us will continue in unhealthy behaviors [sedentary lifestyle, poor nutrition, self-defeating thoughts, etc], or relationships [abusive, toxic, exploitive, etc] because they are familiar. In my 25 plus years as a behavior change professional, I discovered that we change when our current behaviors cause us more suffering than we can bear. When we can’t bear the discomfort, or we face a life-changing event such as an accident, a diagnosis, a loss, then we strive to change.

The change process involves several key steps. First we need to identify the problem or target for change. This could involve a target for increasing or decreasing a behavior to improve health. For example, eating more fruit, walking more, or limiting processed foods or alcohol. Next, we need to set small, achievable goals. If we have been sedentary, instead of trying to walk 1-mile per day, we can start with walking for 5-15 minutes, 2-3 times per week. Tracking our progress and sharing our progress with someone who will offer us encouragement and support helps us to change.